MONDAY-25 AUG '08

Reached Batu Pahat Bus terminal at about 8.40am. Glad that my morning class was canceled. So together with Cheng Ling and another 2 course mate’s guy we met in bus, took a taxi. Cheng Ling and I went back to hostel where the other 2 guys went to uni.

I first greet Cheng Ling's roommate when I reached home cause i found my roommate were still sleeping. Slowly I unpacked my luggage. Refolded my shirts & susun them back into my cabinet. Then when my roommate (Joey) were awake, we did a spring cleaning together with Cheng Ling and Hui(Cheng Ling's roommate). After when everything were done, I took a bath. Lastly, I kneel down and offer my morning prayers.

While chanting, i felt my eyes flooded with tears. I don’t know why!! Out of a sudden, these two girls pop up in my head!!

~MJ & wiN~

I really can't help myself. I can't even continue chanting. My tears just can't stop flowing. I quickly end my chanting and then when to the bathroom and wash my cloths. I was crying so badly. I brush my cloths loudly and keep the tap water running at a high speed so that no one would notice my sobbing. I force myself so hardly to stop the tears.

Don't even feel like having my lunch, But I don't want my friends to worry bout me. So I force myself to have a little bit of rice. Can't keep my eyes away from watching my handphone. It just didn't vibrate. In the midst of super boring lecture, I cannot tahan d. So I send a chinese sms to MJ asking didn't she miss me. She then replied."haha.. hu teached u 1.. or u write ur self? so many wrong words.. haha! tats a gud try! miz me meh? i think u ll 4get us lo. haha! juz jok". I was smiling, but my tears roll down again. arh!!!! She makes me feel the relationship between us as they kept calling me “mummy” when I was on my sem break in Penang last week. We continue to sms a few, then I asked to stop sms cause I really can't help myself to stop crying in the class. So crazy me!!

I was crying every hour! After class I message MJ again. Then she says she wants to chant along. We both chanted together on the same time but from different places with the same prayer objectives for half an hour that evening. I'm still crying while I chant actually. After the chanting, I was too tired. Due to a long journey back from Penang, so I took a short nap. Then I awake and continue chanting. Again I sms MJ to give her support for the performance that night. I was so nervous for them. So so sad that I didn't get to perform for the 1st time after joining Fifes & Drums Corps for 12 years. Perhaps, it’s time to learn how to let go a little bit. By the way, it was also the first time ever in any section of the band that actually no senior players to support the section cause we only have 2 seniors in this section which is Teng Chew and I. Teng Chew were conducting for that song. I’M SO PROUD OF YOU, MING JIE & WINNIE!!

I have a class again at 8pm till 10pm. Before I go for my class, I offered my evening prayers and chanted for half an hour. Don’t feel like having my dinner at all, so again I force myself to drink a cup of Milo(~.~!! I spilt half of it). The nervous in me never go away. I chanted along the way as I travel to my class from hostel. My class never starts on time. So I quickly played “And The Fire Rage!” at about 8.05pm which I’ve recorded yesterday during the practice. I can tell you, I’m feeling the hall at BTCC(penang). I don’t know why, the tears never end flowing again and again from my eyes.

After class, I was still nervous because I’m waiting for a victory report from MJ as she have promise to let me know. Staring at my phone like a crazy person just drive me nuts! Not long after that I receive an sms.

From MJ : hei mum! We finished our performance d! on the way home.. do OK! But my real mum said not as loud as ystrday’s prac.. cause BTCC very big ma.. bt still ok! Haha! 2ml no skul! Tat’s our present frm M’sai! Haha! Daddy cum n said thx to us.. he looks happy like a baby..he is “…..” rite? Haha!

We continue with a few sms and we bedded each other good night. It has been a long-long day for both of us.

I was glad that everything were doing fine. Still I was crying. Crying throughout the whole day really make me tired, my eyes & head were so aching that even make me feels like knocking my head at the walls .I have been living in the lowest life-states today. Luckily I have daimoku (Chanting Nam-Myo-Ho-Renge-Kyo). I can’t believe I’ve chanted for 1 hour and 25 minutes that day. But I know that’s the only best thing I can do. Thank you, I knew prayers have been helping me a lot and kept me positive at all times.

I MISS BOTH MY DAUGHTER A LOT!!